we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
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well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
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I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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