I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
