my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
