I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
