I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
