Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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