Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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