I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
