New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
My vagina just recognized that song.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
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