he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
