i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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