The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
