oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
she peed on how many people?
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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