we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
