The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
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He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
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At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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