my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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