Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
