Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize
