is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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