There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
