Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
