Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
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