If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
