just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
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I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
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