Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
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