my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
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