I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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