i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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