I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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