Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
