I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
