if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I just want nice things and good sex
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
