I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
