nut hugger
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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