Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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