Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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