I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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