therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
