she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
