tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
