A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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