i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
