I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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