I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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