I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
