shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
