The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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