24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Randomize
