if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
