I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
