You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
