Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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