sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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