I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I'm like, not good at living.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
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