I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Sext me about skeletons
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Randomize
